Wednesday, January 26, 2011


My thoughts this week surround a question James and I have been struggling with for the past year and a half. This question feels like a 200lbs weight just hanging out on my heart. Children are everything that is beautiful in this world and can be everything stressful in this world. I have never allowed my situation to control the big decisions I’ve made in my life. Never. Aside from specifically choosing where I live to accommodate my sinus’ and avoiding certain countries and cities to travel in, CF has never stopped me from doing anything really. This is the first time it’s really made me think twice or three or four times about what to do. Choosing to bring a person into this world has to be one of the most exciting decisions anyone can make. For me, I just feel bogged down with people telling me how hard it’s going to be. I know it will be hard, I know it will test our patience, I know it will test my relationships (specifically my marriage), I know I’m putting myself at risk. But, I also know that although my days would not only be filled with sleepless nights and a crying baby along with the daily struggles of CF, but my days would also be filled with what I can only imagine as pure happiness and joy that can’t be found anywhere else. Having quite possibly THE most supportive husband and THE most supportive family, why not! To be honest, I would be a good Mom and James would be a really good Dad. Is that enough to balance out the hardship that comes with children? Is it ok to have your child watch Mom go through a lung transplant? Is it ok for a child to loose a Mom? God forbid. My reality is so different from others and ya I know it could change and I know instead of dying from CF I could actually just get hit by a bus tomorrow (God forbid again) and all of this worrying would have just been a waste of time. But this is my reality and bringing a child into the pure shittyness of CF is something that I am really struggling with. But is that really a reason NOT to have a child? You know I AM healthy and I have done a DAMN good job of taking care of myself and ya it’s A LOT of work but I do it and I get through it because I have no other choice. So who says I can’t do it! Look at what I’ve been through for fuck sakes and look at the fact that I’ve gotten through it! So who says I can’t do it! Nobody really. There are just so many flashing warning signs that jump up at me screaming warning, warning, warning as I take my first step into the idea of parenthood.  I’m so down about this and it really just makes me want to scream, why does everything have to be so hard for me!
Alright enough feeling sorry for myself. I just need support. I know I’ll regret not at least trying. I know I will. Taking the parenthood experience away from not only myself, but from James too feels like a punch in the gut. Which tells me… to go for it. But how do you know you’ll be able to cope?
Fuck you CF. Fuck you for being so controlling and selfish. Happy finish I know. Sorry. I'm a bit negative today.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Between my lungs

Ok so I’ve actually been wanting to blog for a few weeks now but was feeling too flustered by the many topics that have been swimming around in my head. So I decided today that I’m just going to purge a little here and hope that it comes out in a way that makes sense. This blog is about different feelings, thoughts and emotions that I’ve had. It may not flow or have a beginning, middle and an end. They’re just thoughts that need to come out. And might I add… I am putting these thoughts out there for whoever to read even though I’ve never actually shared some of these thoughts with anyone. The word vulnerability comes to mind here. Anyway, here we go.
There have been so many moments in the past few weeks where I’ve felt so overwhelmed by these strong emotions that seem to be flowing through me.  
Sometimes I feel so much love towards the people that are in my life I just can’t bear it.
Recently I read from someone completely unknown to me that life is about balance. A balance of easy and difficult. It scares me how quickly things can change from good to bad and I find this sometimes clouds my outlook. To this day, 2 years, 3 months, 17 days and about 19 hours after the scariest moment in my life so far, my heart STILL sinks into my gut when I get a phone call from a number I don’t recognize when James is not with me. It’s unbelievable how your brain will remember an experience and bring it to the forefront of your head in the blink of an eye. And with one word, relaxation overcomes those fears and I again feel like the luckiest person in the world.
But, at the same time I can’t help but feel completely terrified of the possible future I have. This is always reinforced after hearing about someone who is facing being put on the lung transplant list because their lungs are giving out caused by the same disease that I have.
At this moment I have to take a step back. Go for a walk, take a deep breath and realize that these two things are so easy to take for granted.
I’ve been noticing the pure beauty and joy in the world lately and am quickly flooded with emotions of contentment, relief and good fortune.  Everyday I think about people who’ve had their lives taken away from them far too early and begin to thank my luck stars that I’m still here… able to run, smile, laugh, breathe and love the people around me. But at the same time, I’m petrified of that being taken away from me. I’m then reminded of the importance of living everyday to it’s fullest. As cliché as that sounds. 
Between my lungs is a warm, bright, glow that allows me to smile every moment I’m reminded of how much love I have.  With whatever future that may be mine, easy or difficult, there’s no way I’ll forget these moments in life.
I can’t remember where I heard this but it’s something I’ve been gaining some strength from… “There is no force on this earth more powerful than the will to live.”
Not much else to say.