My thoughts this week surround a question James and I have been struggling with for the past year and a half. This question feels like a 200lbs weight just hanging out on my heart. Children are everything that is beautiful in this world and can be everything stressful in this world. I have never allowed my situation to control the big decisions I’ve made in my life. Never. Aside from specifically choosing where I live to accommodate my sinus’ and avoiding certain countries and cities to travel in, CF has never stopped me from doing anything really. This is the first time it’s really made me think twice or three or four times about what to do. Choosing to bring a person into this world has to be one of the most exciting decisions anyone can make. For me, I just feel bogged down with people telling me how hard it’s going to be. I know it will be hard, I know it will test our patience, I know it will test my relationships (specifically my marriage), I know I’m putting myself at risk. But, I also know that although my days would not only be filled with sleepless nights and a crying baby along with the daily struggles of CF, but my days would also be filled with what I can only imagine as pure happiness and joy that can’t be found anywhere else. Having quite possibly THE most supportive husband and THE most supportive family, why not! To be honest, I would be a good Mom and James would be a really good Dad. Is that enough to balance out the hardship that comes with children? Is it ok to have your child watch Mom go through a lung transplant? Is it ok for a child to loose a Mom? God forbid. My reality is so different from others and ya I know it could change and I know instead of dying from CF I could actually just get hit by a bus tomorrow (God forbid again) and all of this worrying would have just been a waste of time. But this is my reality and bringing a child into the pure shittyness of CF is something that I am really struggling with. But is that really a reason NOT to have a child? You know I AM healthy and I have done a DAMN good job of taking care of myself and ya it’s A LOT of work but I do it and I get through it because I have no other choice. So who says I can’t do it! Look at what I’ve been through for fuck sakes and look at the fact that I’ve gotten through it! So who says I can’t do it! Nobody really. There are just so many flashing warning signs that jump up at me screaming warning, warning, warning as I take my first step into the idea of parenthood. I’m so down about this and it really just makes me want to scream, why does everything have to be so hard for me!
Alright enough feeling sorry for myself. I just need support. I know I’ll regret not at least trying. I know I will. Taking the parenthood experience away from not only myself, but from James too feels like a punch in the gut. Which tells me… to go for it. But how do you know you’ll be able to cope?
Fuck you CF. Fuck you for being so controlling and selfish. Happy finish I know. Sorry. I'm a bit negative today.