Between my lungs

Ok so I’ve actually been wanting to blog for a few weeks now but was feeling too flustered by the many topics that have been swimming around in my head. So I decided today that I’m just going to purge a little here and hope that it comes out in a way that makes sense. This blog is about different feelings, thoughts and emotions that I’ve had. It may not flow or have a beginning, middle and an end. They’re just thoughts that need to come out. And might I add… I am putting these thoughts out there for whoever to read even though I’ve never actually shared some of these thoughts with anyone. The word vulnerability comes to mind here. Anyway, here we go.

There have been so many moments in the past few weeks where I’ve felt so overwhelmed by these strong emotions that seem to be flowing through me.  

Sometimes I feel so much love towards the people that are in my life I just can’t bear it.

Recently I read from someone completely unknown to me that life is about balance. A balance of easy and difficult. It scares me how quickly things can change from good to bad and I find this sometimes clouds my outlook. To this day, 2 years, 3 months, 17 days and about 19 hours after the scariest moment in my life so far, my heart STILL sinks into my gut when I get a phone call from a number I don’t recognize when James is not with me. It’s unbelievable how your brain will remember an experience and bring it to the forefront of your head in the blink of an eye. And with one word, relaxation overcomes those fears and I again feel like the luckiest person in the world.

But, at the same time I can’t help but feel completely terrified of the possible future I have. This is always reinforced after hearing about someone who is facing being put on the lung transplant list because their lungs are giving out caused by the same disease that I have.

At this moment I have to take a step back. Go for a walk, take a deep breath and realize that these two things are so easy to take for granted.

I’ve been noticing the pure beauty and joy in the world lately and am quickly flooded with emotions of contentment, relief and good fortune.  Everyday I think about people who’ve had their lives taken away from them far too early and begin to thank my luck stars that I’m still here… able to run, smile, laugh, breathe and love the people around me. But at the same time, I’m petrified of that being taken away from me. I’m then reminded of the importance of living everyday to it’s fullest. As cliché as that sounds. 

Between my lungs is a warm, bright, glow that allows me to smile every moment I’m reminded of how much love I have.  With whatever future that may be mine, easy or difficult, there’s no way I’ll forget these moments in life.

I can’t remember where I heard this but it’s something I’ve been gaining some strength from… “There is no force on this earth more powerful than the will to live.”

Not much else to say.